I sit in judgement of you.

When I left nursing 4 1/2  years ago, it took me months to calm down. I lived my life sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for something bad to happen. I know my job kept me anxious. 

 I became an expert at shoving all the anxiety and other feelings down. I was cool as a cucumber at work. Nothing rattled me. People used to say , "Do you ever get excited about anything?" If no one is dying, there is nothing to get excited about. It could all be handled. After about 5-10 years, nothing phases you. Your arm would have to be hanging by a thread to get me excited. Then I'd tell whoever was with you to take this bandage and put pressure on the wound. Meanwhile, have a seat in the lobby. Bada bing.

Under all that calmness and cynical humor, there was still a human being. 

Probably the worst place to be in any ER is the triage area. The area where you present your sad tale of woe. Then I sit in judgement of your worthiness to do the following:

1) Be rushed back because you are in TROUBLE.

2) Need to be triaged sooner rather than later.

3) I can get you started with an xray, blood draw, EKG, etc.

4) Whether this is a clinic visit and you may be out in the lobby on your next birthday.

The part where I get you to feel sorry for me.

Why did  I stay a nurse for 34 years? Not only that, but stayed at the same hospital, the same ER job.

I stayed that's what my generation did. We stayed at jobs a long time. I stayed because I had to make a living. I had a son to support.

But why the ER? Why did you put yourself through that for 30 excruciating years? Hmm...because I'm insane but that's already been established. It was flexible. I worked five 12 hour shifts in 2 weeks, every 3rd weekend. I worked 9a to 9p. I could easily get 2 weeks off. I could trade shifts. I could leave early.

I stayed because it was easier to stay than start something new.  I had seniority. It was challenging. I was good at it. It was always different. Always learning  something new. 

But it took its toll. On my mental, physical and emotional health. It felt like it was the center of my existence. I was either exhausted from it or anticipating having to go back. It was physically exhausting. There were many a day I didn't get a break for 6-8 hours into the shift.  I learned to hold my bladder for hours and hours. I became a Naprosyn addict. Har.

The biggest toll was on my mental health. I began to hate people. I was skeptical of everybody. I judged everybody. I thought most people were stupid. In other words I wasn't a very nice person by the end.

I was completely burned out. I was mailing it in. I hated my job. 

Did I still care? Yeah, I did, but I only if I deemed you worthy. 

I sound like a horrible person. I wasn't.  It's just that you can't work at a job like that for that long and not turn into a complete cynic.

Dealing with the public is so hard. Dealing with the public when they are under emotional or physical stress is awful. There are a lot of un-nice people in the world. Take the un-nice general public, throw in drunks, drug addicts, the mentally ill, criminals and you have a toxic stew you work in every day. Then add to that real tragedy.

I honestly think no one should work in an ER more than 5 years.

 

ER nurse recipe

So you are probably wondering how I managed to stay an ER nurse for years.  

Here is the recipe for a long term ER nurse: 

A teaspoon of codependence

Liberal sprinkling of adrenal junkie

 1/2 cup risk taker

A dash of sadism

A dash of masochism

A cup sales ability

Patience of one saint

The brain of one cynic

Large cup sense of humor

A couple years nursing experience, preferably critical care (optional during shortage)

One pint of calmness under pressure

1/2 nice person

Toss all ingredients into blender. Put on high for 30 years.  Take the top off and *poof* there will be an ER nurse, aka a lunatic, in there.

Caution: fragile, treat with care. Keep away from flame.